It’s easy to hear the wisdom and see the vibrancy now, but who was he before? What were his struggles back then? And what are they now?

• How did they do it? What woke them up? And what trials and tribulations did they face to get to where they are now?
• Were 4th thru 7th grade as painful for them as they were for some of us? When did it change? What can we learn from it?
• Was losing their first sexual experience a spiritual one, or would it take years for that to happen? And why?
• What were their greatest sexual and spiritual challenges in the beginning? And what about now?

Are you curious to know the answers? Well, Reid is too! Come to the Center for Sex and Culture and let’s all find out together, shall we?

Join Reid Mihalko for a rare opportunity:

a candid evening with

Baba Dez Nichols

talking about our pasts.

Whether you’ve been studying Tantra for your entire life, are brand new to Sacred Sexuality and Sex Magic, or just curious to find out the real-life, behind the “guru” story of how a man grew up to create the Sedona Temple, the School of Temple Arts, and the Annual Daka-Dakini Conferences (now spreading across the globe)…

Come to Reid’s event space, Fruitopia, in East Oakland and get a taste of the story behind the man. Together we will find out…

• What’s the connection between sex, spirituality and transforming the world…
• How sex can “heal” our bodies and, quite possibly, the planet…
• How understanding and experiencing a conscious connection with our nervous systems can bring us all the way into living freedom and bliss…
• How we can deepen our ability to support ourselves, our people, and all humanity in conscious evolution.

Eavesdrop in on this intimate, one-on-one conversation. Participate in the Q&A period, and ask Baba Dez your questions. Meet Dez and Reid, and mingle with like-minded, sex positive men and women. Come experience one of the great influences of and contributors to the Sacred Sexual movement!

Date: Thurs, March 18th, 2010
Time: 7:30-9:30pm Pacific (Doors open at 7pm.)
Where: Fruitopia
1080 23rd Avenue, Ste. 110, Oakland 94606 (GPS users: Please enter 1125 Miller Ave. It works better and delivers you to the building next to ours!)

$10 suggested donation.
No one turned away for lack of funds.

This event will be filmed and begins promptly at 7:30pm.
Please arrive on time to get a seat. This event is destined to fill up!

ABOUT BABA DEZ: Baba Dez Nicols is a Daka, author, singer-songwriter, and transformational guide, trained in the Sacred Temple Arts of Tantra to teach, inspire, and support others in their integration of the divine masculine and feminine (Shiva/Shakti) energies within.

He is the founder of the Sedona Temple and School of Temple Arts and the Annual Daka-Dakini Conferences for sacred sexual healers, Tantra teachers and practitioners. He has studied, assisted, and been blessed with the presence and wisdom of many masters around the world for over 30 years.

His path is to travel worldwide and help others deepen in their truth and power, find healing & enjoyment in transformation, and manifest grounded results. He is currently on tour promoting the release of his documentary Manifesting Maya, his book Sacred Sexual Healing: The Shaman Method of Sex Magic and his music CD Thank the Moon.

ABOUT REID: Reid Mihalko of www.ReidAboutSex.com helps people create more self-esteem and greater health in their relationship and sex lives, no matter what their self-expression of those happen to be.

Reid has worked with thousands of individuals from myriad walks of life, orientations, relationship styles, countries and religions. Known for his charisma, wit and emphasis on integrity, Reid travels the country teaching, coaching, consulting and collaborating. He has been a writer and producer on a number of films and television projects about sex and relationships, and appears regularly in the media.

Reid has been a featured speaker at dozens of conferences on relationships and sexuality. He has also appeared on the Emmy award-winning talk show Montel, Fox News, VH1’s Scott Baio is 45 and Single, Showtime’s Penn & Teller’s Bulls**t!, Canada’s The Sex Files and SexTV, and the short-lived Life & Style, on NPR, Sirius’ Maxim Radio and Cosmo Radio, and in Marie Claire, GQ, Details, People, Newsweek and The National Enquirer, as well as media across the globe in thirteen countries and at least seven languages.

Is there a secret beyond the Secret? Kamala Devi thinks so!

Can Sex Magic help you supercharge your goals and upgrade your life? How does this ancient tantric method of Manifestation really work? Can you do this practice solo? Can you do it with a beloved? What about in a group?!

Reid Mihalko offers a down to earth, practical interview with sacred sexuality coach and author Kamala Devi as she breaks down, demystifies, and makes understandable the nature and practice of “Sex Magic.”

DATE: March 22nd
TIME: 8:30-9:30PM EST/5:30-6:30pm Pacific
COST: FREE
WHERE: The comfort of your own home or office! Register for Dial-In Codes to this FREE Teleclass!
Can’t be on the call? No worries. Everyone who registers will receive the download link for the call recording!

According to Kamala: “The Secret is out! Everyone knows about the law of attraction. But not everyone knows how to use it! AND the Secret beyond the secret: is Sex Magic!”

Kamala Devi invites Reid and you to focus your attentions and intentions during love making to bring about your wildest dreams! Listen in as Reid and Kamala discuss the basic, 7-method formula that demystifys this occult practice, and makes it safe and accessible to just about anyone.

In this practical, 60-minute tele-class Kamala will give Reid (and you, too) the download on Sex Magic and The SHAMAN Method, which involves:

• Instruction for Strategic Goal Setting
• Stimulating the visualization process
• Creative Procedures for manifestation
• How to supercharge your results
• Creating a realistic plan to make it work
• And much more!

ABOUT KAMALA: Kamala Devi of BlissCoach.com is the author of Sacred Sexual Healing: The SHAMAN Method of Sex Magic. She’s been studying and teaching Tantra and sacred sexuality around the world in the last 7 years and recently appeared on the Discovery Channel, Morning Show Live, Inside Edition, and the Tyra Banks Show.

She is also the Author of Don’t Drink the Punch: An Adventure in Tantra and she’s recently released new DVD with Reid Mihalko entitled: Earning your BLACKBELT in Relationship.

Photo Credit: Kamala was commissioned by www.sss-now.org

ABOUT REID: Reid Mihalko helps people create more self-esteem and greater health in their relationship and sex lives, no matter what their self-expression of those happen to be or where their interests lie.

Reid has worked with thousands of individuals from myriad walks of life, orientations, relationship styles, countries and religions. Known for his charisma, wit and emphasis on integrity, Reid travels the country teaching, coaching, consulting and collaborating. He has been a writer and producer on a number of film and television projects about sex and relationships, and appears regularly in the media.

Reid has been a featured speaker at dozens of conferences on relationships and sexuality. He has also appeared on the Emmy award-winning talk show Montel, Fox News, VH1’s Scott Baio is 45 and Single, Showtime’s Penn & Teller’s Bulls**t!, Canada’s The Sex Files and SexTV, and the short-lived Life & Style, on NPR, Sirius’ Maxim Radio and Cosmo Radio, and in Marie Claire, GQ, People, Newsweek and The National Enquirer, as well as media across the globe in thirteen countries and at least seven languages.

Taking the woo-woo out of all those ancient (and juicy) lovemaking techniques…

Do you wish there was more than just the hump, grunt and grind of conventional sex? Ever feel like your lover (or yourself) was cursed with only one color to paint your sexual landscape with?

Don’t get us wrong, we know sex -even mediocre sex- can be lots of fun, but do you ever wish you had a wider palette of techniques and experiences to draw from?

Perhaps you’ve heard of Tantra and remember reading somewhere (last month’s Cosmo?) something about “expanded orgasms,” but think that kind of stuff is only for people like Sting, yoga instructors or porn stars.

Maybe you’ve had ecstatic experiences in the bedroom that boarder on spiritual, but they’re so far and few between that you can hardly recall (and maybe it was just the booze…).

Perhaps you’ve read a book on the Kama Sutra or talked to someone about sacred sexuality, but it was too “woo-woo” and new age-y for your sensibilities…

What if we told you mind blowing, ecstatic sex was not only possible, but learnable and didn’t have to set off your “new age” alarms?

What if we told you that conventional sex is like arts and crafts’ class with a box of crayons that only holds eight colors? What if we told you there is a box of crayons with 64 colors AND a sharpener!… And it can be yours to color your world with (and that you don’t have to stay inside the lines)!

Join sex and relationship educator Reid Mihalko for a fun, light-hearted romp into the world of sacred sexuality. Explore enhanced lovemaking techniques, communication skills helpful for deepening intimacy, and breathing techniques to increase your arousal and sexual stamina in this workshop designed for anyone curious about Tantra, bettering their relationships, and having fun in the bedroom.

In this 2-hour, pragmatic, informative (and humorous) workshop, you will be introduced to:

• Tantra and sacred sex basics
• What the heck is energetic sex, how it “works” and why so many of us never figure it out
• Breathing techniques that you can use to access new areas of sensation and body awareness
• Kissing as the “gateway drug” to higher states of ecstatic sex!
• Simple exercises and pressure points you can practice alone and with a partner that will kick off your energetic sexual journey
• A few advance tips and tricks that are sure to make you smile and your partner moan!

DATE: March 31st, 2010

TIME: 8-10pm

LOCATION: Los Angeles’ The Pleasure Chest

COST: FREE!

Flip jealousy and kick it’s ass while increasing your relationship skills, all in one day!

• Do you fear jealousy’s kick in the stomach?
• Often find yourself getting sucker-punched in your relationships by negative emotions or an inability to communicate what your needs are?
• Wish you could see your partner telegraph their emotional freak outs and side step them in time?

Perhaps you flinch when it’s time to have a difficult conversation, or maybe you chicken out all together? Do you wish you and your partner could navigate difficult emotions, emotionally spar and intellectually wrestle without hurting one another? Maybe you’re just looking to achieve a Zen-like state of mind when you’re taking a relationship from dating to “serious.”

If you long for more relationship techniques… If you feel like a white belt when it comes to love…

If you long for more relationship techniques, feel like a white belt when it comes to love, dating and commitment, or just want to feel confident in your love life, this five-hour workshop on Jealousy Judo and other Relationship Kung-Fu is for you!

DATE: Saturday, March 27th
TIME: 1-6pm
LOCATION: Reid’s Fruitopia event space, Oakland, CA
COST: $97 for the day workshop (extra charge for Sacred Sexuality Play Party Lab that evening). Group Discounts and VIP Passes available!

Join relationship blackbelts Reid Mihalko and Kamala Devi, creators of the informative and humorous relationship DVD Earning Your BLACKBELT In Relationships, in their Relationship Dojo for an inspiring, informative and jam-packed day devoted to honing your communication skills and giving your relationship the workout it deserves.

In this 5-hour intensive, designed to incorporate your own, unique relationships challenges as well, we will delve into:

• New ways of understanding jealousy so that you can deflect it’s crushing blows
• How to maintain your emotional balance during an argument or heated discussion and even diffuse the situation
• Ways to communicate your needs and leverage your partner’s strengths to create a win-win for both of you
• Blackbelt tips and tricks for creating powerful relationships with minimal effort!

Whether you are single, newly dating, married, divorced or on Match.com for years… Whether you’re monogamous or a swinger, poly-curious or have been practicing open relationships for years… Gay, straight, queer, undecided, or something that has yet to be named… This day-long workshop along with it’s “play party lab,” where you can test out your newly practiced communication techniques and relationship Kung-Fu is the perfect place for gain the confidence you need in a safe, controlled, interactive and playful environment.

You’ll be amazed by how deep you can go and how high you will soar. Please consider experiencing the rewards and transformation Kamala Devi and Reid Mihalko can generate and facilitate!

DATE: Saturday, March 27th
TIME: 1-6pm
LOCATION: Reid’s Fruitopia event space, Oakland, CA
COST: $97 for the day workshop (extra charge for Sacred Sexuality Play Party Lab that evening). Group Discounts and VIP Passes available!

ABOUT KAMALA: Kamala Devi ofwww.BlissCoach.com is a down to earth tantra goddess who has been studying and practicing yoga, tantra, sacred sexuality, and sexual healing during her extensive travels for the past eleven years.

A prolific writer, Kamala is the author of Don’t Drink the Punch: An Adventure in Tantra, Sacred Sexual Healing with Baba Dez Nichols and Teaching Tantra the EROTIC WAY as well as numerous stage plays. She has most recently release her collaborative DVD with Reid Mihalko, Earning Your BLACKBELT in Relationship.

Kamala has recently appeared nationally on Tyra Banks’s Tyra, theMorning Show, Inside Edition, MTV and several programs overseas.

ABOUT REID: Reid Mihalko helps people create more self-esteem and greater health in their relationship and sex lives, no matter what their self-expression of those happen to be or where their interests lie.

Reid has worked with thousands of individuals from myriad walks of life, orientations, relationship styles, countries and religions. Known for his charisma, wit and emphasis on integrity, Reid travels the country teaching, coaching, consulting and collaborating. He has been a writer and producer on a number of film and television projects about sex and relationships, and appears regularly in the media.

Reid has been a featured speaker at dozens of conferences on relationships and sexuality. He has also appeared on the Emmy award-winning talk show Montel, Fox News, VH1’s Scott Baio is 45 and Single, Showtime’s Penn & Teller’s Bulls**t!, Canada’s The Sex Files and SexTV, and the short-lived Life & Style, on NPR, Sirius’ Maxim Radio and Cosmo Radio, and in Marie Claire, GQ, People, Newsweek and The National Enquirer, as well as media across the globe in thirteen countries and at least seven languages.

Join world renowned sex educators and relationship “black belts” Kamala Devi and Reid Mihalko in Oakland, California, this March as they celebrate the East Bay launch of their newest and most powerful educational DVD yet: Earning Your Black Belt in Relationships!

Discover the ten relationship lessons hidden within the acronym B.L.A.C.K.B.E.L.T. while meeting the masters, Reid and Kamala in person!

Mingle and connect with a bevy of like-minded, amazing and exciting people. Meet and ask questions of the Pros. Watch a bit of the DVD, and get your very own copy of the full DVD to take home with you!

DATE: Friday, March 26th, 2010
TIME: 7pm to 10:30pm
LOCATION: Reid’s Fruitopia event space, Oakland – Address and Directions upon Registration

Party and a DVD, all for the $19.95 admission!

Everyone who dresses up as a Ninja, Samurai, Karate-Kid for our launch party (or just wears black) will be entered into our door-prize raffle, too!

That’s right, just under twenty-bucks gets you into this not-to-be-missed, gala event full of humor and deep learning, just like the DVD!

Who knew upgrading your relationship skills, improving your intimacy mojo, and meeting fabulous people could be this fun and enlightening?

Whether you are a white belt in love or a bedroom ninja with amazing, heartfelt skills, this launch party is for you! Bring your friends and lovers, walk home with a DVD of your own, and help Reid and Kamala celebrate their newest offering! Learn how to struggle less in your relationships, love more deeply, and have fun while doing it!

A 5.0 out of 5 stars, Amazon review of Earning Your BLACKBELT in Relationships:

An authentic, funny and practical examination of a healthy alternative to monogamy…

December 16, 2009
By Joyful Body Mind Spirit (San Diego, CA)

I’m a self-help junkie and that extends to podcasts and DVDs. I want to be the best person I can be. Lately I’ve been learning a lot about relationships and how to make them work, as well as my role in said relationships. This DVD offers a fresh, honest and out-of-the ordinary look at how to master romantic partnerships.

But wait, this isn’t just your regular feel-good collection of mumbo-jumbo marriage therapy diced and sliced into bites of information. Rather, this DVD explores real-world issues in a way you’ve probably never considered. Or if you have, you might have felt bad about it or thought you were alone. While Earning Your Black Belt in Relationships focuses mainly on how to make polyamorous–or “open”–relationships work, the ideas presented are excellent tools for any relationship. Even single people can take the ideas and apply them to their lives. The best viewer for this DVD isn’t someone who’s solely interested or labeled as polyamorous, but rather someone who is tired of making the same mistakes and wants to delve into different ways of thinking and being that actually work.

Sex and relationship coaches Kamala Devi and Reid Mihalko share tools and tricks to successfully sustaining multiple open relationships. That’s right, more than one. And guess what? If you can’t get one right, it’s not likely you’ll be able to get more than one right. So start small and blossom as your communication and awareness skills grow.

There are 10 chapters in this DVD, and the “lessons” spell out BLACKBELTS, which also echoes a fun ninja theme (it’s subtle, but clever). Mihalko and Devi explore the lessons in detail after you watch intriguing, real-life footage about the topic from people who live it. And no, not everyone is labeled as strictly polyamorous. One person is single and “poly-curious.” Another is monogamous but open-minded. Each topic ends with an exercise or “mission” to help anchor the ideas presented. Here’s a peek into the chapters:

1. Be Real: learn to be transparent – This chapter stresses how important it is to know who you are and what you really need. This is easier said than done, as many people live in a fog much of their lives. So before you do anything, get in touch with your authentic self.

2. Labels and Lovestyles: define your own terms – Figure out what works for you in relationship. Be specific and know that there are many different “fits” or “configurations.” You may even choose to not label yourself, but know that you still need to be able to communicate your needs, and words might be necessary.

3. Agreements and Boundaries: authentic negotiations – This chapter explores the importance of setting clear agreements and boundaries. Communication and transparency are the keywords here. When you know what works for you and you ask for what you need to feel safe, you create more freedom. These can evolve over time. The “mission” here is to determine what your bottom line is.

4. Clear Communication: express yourself fully – Without clear communication, you are not going to make it. If you like to withhold information or if you are unable to listen to and hear your partner, you have work to do. Develop your ability to speak your truth and hear your partner. Say what’s not being said.

5. Know your needs: and how to get them met – This chapter talks about “needs work,” which is pretty deep emotional work. You are in charge of your own needs. Be aware of what your needs are and meet them in a healthy way–needs aren’t bad. Use the communication skills you learned in previous chapters.

6. Break-ups and Transitions: let go with grace – Change is inevitable and break-ups aren’t necessarily bad. Longevity is a “horrible metric with which to measure the quality of a relationship.” Relationships are organic and seasonal. Be realistic about what’s healthy.

7. Emotions are Welcome: honor your feelings – Believe it or not, it is all right to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Be willing to express yourself and be willing to hold space for your partnerships. Emotions are meant to be felt. You can raise your emotional intelligence and apply it to your relationships.

8. Learning Curve: give yourself room to grow – This chapter normalizes the time it takes to get things “right.” Be gentle with yourself and see relationships as growth opportunities. Don’t try to be perfect. Expect breakdowns and work with them. Welcome the learning curve, learn and apply the lessons.

9. Takes a Tribe: creating alternative community – Surround yourself with support, community or tribe. Don’t isolate yourself. This can be online, a potluck, church, whatever works for you.

10. Sex and Spirituality: honoring your lovers and self – Approach your relationships with a sacredness and respect, regardless of whether or not it’s “mystical.” Elevate it to a higher co-creation. Be free from guilt, shame and fear.

Devi and Mihalko are real and engaging, and their down-to-earth rapport is charming. While the camera work is a little shaky at times, the content is so strong and the advice so compelling, it’s easy to forgive. Get ready to open your mind and your heart with this entertaining, educational and endearing DVD.

Watch and Learn as Real Sex Educators Go Head To Head and Reveal Their Best Bedroom Moves…

What better way to learn about practical sex education that you can actually use than to watch two sex educators literally go head to head?

Let’s face it, sex is one of the few things we’re not allowed to learn by watching others. You go to a fancy dinner. You don’t know which spoon to use. You watch to see what spoon everyone else uses… But don’t know what to do how in the bedroom, or want to add a few tricks to your repertoire? No such luck!

Until now…

Tonight’s Sex Educators:

Reid Mihalko

and

Sacred Sexuality Coach and published author

(direct from San Diego)

Kamala Devi!

Date: Thursday, March 25th
Time: 7-9:30pm
Location: Reid’s Fruitopia event space, Oakland, CA

Join world renowned sex and relationship educator Reid Mihalko and watch as he goes mano a mano and blow for blow against some of this country’s best, most talented and most experienced sex geeks!

In this entertaining, informational, guaranteed-to-be-funny and friendly, “competitive” throwdown, we’ll let the audience watch, take notes, ask questions, and, when the dust finally settles, hang out and mingle with the experts and guests!

Show up to Reid’s latest Rated NC-17 workshop designed to empower adults around their sex lives and get folks smiling!

Show up to this fun-filled 2-and-a half hour workshop and learn:

• What sex educators do under the covers and how
• Their best tips and tricks (and probably not the kind you read about in Cosmo)
• Their favorite, black belt sexy-sexy time moves!
• And much, much more…

We can’t promise you badly dubbed voice-overs or high-jinx dramma like televisions Iron Chef show, but we can promise you some down-to-earth applicable sex and relationship education.

If you were a big fan of “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours” as a kid, or you always wished there was a reality show called “Shagging With the Stars,” then this workshop might be for you. Tell your friends. Bring a date. Bring a note book, too, while you’re at it!

Because of this workshop’s explicit and frank nature and live demonstrations, no one under 18 admitted. Please try to arrive on time. And, as with all of Reid’s workshops, you can always leave early.

Date: Thursday, March 25th
Time: 7-9:30pm
Location: Reid’s Fruitopia event space (Register for driving directions and, please read ‘em. It can be tricky if you don’t read the directions and we don’t want you to get lost and be late!)

ABOUT KAMALA: Kamala Devi of www.BlissCoach.com is a down to earth tantra goddess who has been studying and practicing yoga, tantra, sacred sexuality, and sexual healing during her extensive travels for the past eleven years.

A prolific writer, Kamala is the author of Don’t Drink the Punch: An Adventure in Tantra, Sacred Sexual Healing with Baba Dez Nichols and Teaching Tantra the EROTIC WAY as well as numerous stage plays. She has most recently release her collaborative DVD with Reid Mihalko, Earning Your BLACKBELT in Relationship.

Kamala has recently appeared nationally on Tyra Banks’s Tyra, theMorning Show, Inside Edition, MTV and several programs overseas.

ABOUT REID: Reid Mihalko helps people create more self-esteem and greater health in their relationship and sex lives, no matter what their self-expression of those happen to be or where their interests lie.

Reid has worked with thousands of individuals from myriad walks of life, orientations, relationship styles, countries and religions. Known for his charisma, wit and emphasis on integrity, Reid travels the country teaching, coaching, consulting and collaborating. He has been a writer and producer on a number of film and television projects about sex and relationships, and appears regularly in the media.

Reid has been a featured speaker at dozens of conferences on relationships and sexuality. He has also appeared on the Emmy award-winning talk show Montel, Fox News, VH1’s Scott Baio is 45 and Single, Showtime’s Penn & Teller’s Bulls**t!, Canada’s The Sex Files and SexTV, and the short-lived Life & Style, on NPR, Sirius’ Maxim Radio and Cosmo Radio, and in Marie Claire, GQ, People, Newsweek and The National Enquirer, as well as media across the globe in thirteen countries and at least seven languages.

March. 25th-27th in Oakland California. Kamala Devi and Reid Mihalko will be offering a series of  fun sex education events. Whether you are monogamous, single, poly-curious or have been practicing open relationships for years, this weekend offers events for all experience levels, you’ll be amazed by the rewards and transformation of these playful, deep and interactive events.

The fun festival schedule is as follows…

Thursday: 7-10pm with an Iron Slut Showdown with Sex Educators Reid Vs. Kamala Devi

Friday: 7-10pm There will be a DVD Launch party $19.95 (includes DVD)

Satuday: 1-6pm Relationship Dojo: Jealousy Judo intensive only $97

Saturday: 8-Midnight Sacred sexual play party!  $60 per couple/twosomes. Free for Jealousy Judo attendees! Limited 40 people, so purchase your tickets asap.

Keep your eyes and ears peeled for more info soon!

Love is in the air…

This month’s article:

Romance is for the Cats and Dogs

by Reid Mihalko

Romance makes things better.

It’s true. Even if you hate Hollywood romance films, heart-covered Hallmark cards, chocolate roses, and want to kick Cupid in the shin, no matter how much you hate Valentine’s Day, long walks on beaches, or eye-gazing, it’s hard to argue that the warm fuzzies we get when someone strikes our romance chords are bad.

In fact, that sweet, gooey release of the romantic “feel-goods” is great for your health, both body and mind.

You might be surprised to know, that most of what makes romance feel so darn good is chemical. I’m not talking about the chemistry of a shared bottle of Two-Buck Chuck wine. I’m referring to the release of immune system bolstering, social bond-reinforcing, stress reducing hormones.

These all-natural, body-produced hormonal cocktails are the exact same stuff that puts the “mad” into “madly in love,” and by mad I mean “crazy.” The brain-chemistry of love, by the way, has been extensively researched and continues to be. It’s fascinating stuff. And while you might hate it when your best friend falls head-over-heels for Mr. or Ms. So-and-so causing them to forget all about you, there are many health benefits from all these hormones swirling around in your body and brain. With romance, it’s much of the same chemistry, just in smaller doses. Think of it as Love Potion #9 Lite: Tastes great, less crazy making! And for those of us already in love, or in relationships that have outlasted their honeymoon periods, romance is a great way of delivering an extra (sometimes much needed) shot or two of the warm fuzzies.

Photo Illustration by Ann Cutting for Time Magazine

Romantic interludes and thoughtful acts can trigger the release of feel-good hormones which are outstanding for our physical and mental health. An intimate cuddle on the couch or a shared bit of dark chocolate after a romantic dinner can seduce the body into releasing hormones like oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) and phenylethylamine (released by the brain during orgasm and also found in chocolate). These hormones lower blood pressure, improve immune system performance, and inhibit the release of stress inducing hormones while also psychologically promoting a deeper sense of trust, and feelings of being understood and appreciated. These physiological and psychological effects can be a huge help after a hard day at work trying to meet a deadline, a rough day tending to sick children, dealing with financial difficulties and economic pressures, etc., etc. Romance can leave us feeling less alone in the world, more relaxed and calm, and feeling better about ourselves. In short, a little romance can go a looooong way towards getting us through a cold winter. (Or any season for that matter!)

The trouble with tradition…

Unfortunately, for many of us, the cultural stereotypes for what is romantic and acceptable aren’t always clear nor do they always work. It seems, that even when it comes to romance, everyone is unique and what worked on your ex doesn’t always leave your current partner feeling loved and cherished. Then there’s the fact that Hollywood seems pretty stuck on romance being a guy/girl thang that has the chocolate-covered strawberries rolling in only one direction: man to woman.

What about romancing the dude? And what if you’re allergic to strawberries?

The fact that America’s romantic traditions and symbols are so very gendered and unidirectional can be a big pain in the ass. If the traditional go-tos like roses and a card don’t get you all gushy, your partner might soon run out of other ideas and give up. Worse, you or they could be thinking you’re doing “romantic” things with the most earnest of intentions, doing a great job, but continually missing the mark and leaving those you care about starving. And attempting to sweet-talk the non-traditional gender seems so laughable by our cultural standards that  women romancing men and men romancing men are the things of sit coms and Comedy Central sketches about prison.  Bubba, you made me a shiv? How romantic… While occasionally funny and usually at least a tad insensitive, the cultural message is bleak: Do not waste your time romancing men ’cause it doesn’t work.

These traditions are just a partial list, hints and clues, really. And romance, like Angelina Jolie, goes both ways.

A diamond ring is not inherently romantic, and even the most stoic of men can have a soft-spot. And while we can argue that dark chocolate might be romantic on account of the phenylethylamine, or that Dick Cheney would never be caught dead taking a long walk on the beach, the point is that almost anything can be made to be romantic and anyone can be romanced, if you know how romance occurs for the other person.

And, for the record, men are actually quite easy to romance!

Romance is actually all about cats and dogs.

In my Romance for the Rest of Us workshop, and in my personal couples and one-on-one coaching, I get the great honor of making the fine art of romance easy!

Making romance easy, surprisingly enough, has very little to do with being a man or a woman, or being single or married or straight or gay or queer or trans, for that matter. Romance, as you’re about to discover, isn’t even about chocolate or pearl necklaces or roses or cupids shooting arrows at us.

Romance, believe it or not, is all about cats and dogs…

READ THE ENTIRE ARTICLE.

5 Reasons Why Dogs Think Letting You Pick the Restaurant is Romantic

You’ve got to read the Romance Is For Cats and Dogs article to understand this, btw. Enjoy!

1. Dogs want you to pick because we want you to be happy with the food. (We’re not sure what food you’ll be in the mood for come date time, so asking you to pick makes sense.)
2. Dogs don’t usually care what we eat. Deferring to you and your tastes in the moment make us happier and more at ease ‘cause we want you to have the food and ambiance you’re actually craving now!
3. Dogs tend not to think about things “in advance,” but, rather, are very “now” oriented. When it comes to picking a place in advance versus picking it when comes time to go out on our date, doing it closer to the date makes more sense.
4. Dogs are just happy to be spending time with you anywhere. To us, that you’re spending time with us at all is really all we need. That you’re spending time with us at all means that we must be doing something right. If we weren’t, you wouldn’t be with us.
5. Dogs crave being told, “good dog,” and we don’t want to pick the wrong restaurant or presume that we can read your mind so deferring to you in the moment seems the best way for us to do a good job meeting your needs.

See where Reid will be next…

Give Cupid a Hug from Me!

For those of you around the world who might be participating or considering attending an upcoming Valentine’s Cuddle Party (I’ve got a Singles Only CP happening in Times Square, NYC, on Feb 13th), I thought I would jump over to the Cuddle Party website at CuddleParty.com and dig through their articles section. I found this piece that I penned waaaaaay back in 2004, which, I am proud to say, still holds up!

Snuggle on!

More Spoon For Your Buck: How to Make the Most of your Cuddle Party Experience

by Reid Mihalko, the Warren Buffett of Snuggling

Okay, you’ve heard or read about Cuddle Parties enough times that you’ve finally checked out the website, said to yourself in your best skeptical voice, “Hmmmm, seems harmless enough… Three hours of massage, spooning, and conversation sounds pretty okay.” Then your boss calls up and yells at you for ten minutes, after which the idea of cuddling a bunch of strangers sounds like heaven. In a moment of hug-fest-crave induced courage, you email your RSVP to the next Cuddle Party, and now you’re thinking, “What the heck do I do now? How do I make the most of all this?”

Well, I’m glad you asked, because here’s the 411 on getting the most spoon for your buck!

Here are our top ten tips on how to get the most out of a Cuddle Party:

10. Even if you’re feeling a tad nervous, participate in the Welcome Circle’s Hug Exercise and the now-world-famous Cow Exercise….

READ THE REST OF THE ARTICLE

Valentine’s Tricks To Rock Your Partner’s Love Languages

In 1992, a marriage counselor and pastor in North Carolina, Dr. Gary Chapman, wrote a book called The 5 Love Languages. Whatever your views on Christianity, this is one of the most useful books on relationships I’ve yet to read, and I recommend it to anyone and everyone.

In honor of Cupid slinging his arrows in your direction this February, here is a super useful exercise of mine that I invite you to try with the loved ones in your linfe.

Happy St. Valentine’s Day…

1. Find out what  you and your partner’s Love Languages are – Take the quiz!
2. Come up with, plan and execute three things this Valentine’s Day that will be Love Language “home-runs” for the special people in your life. What I mean by “home-run” is that you surprise attempts to hit two or three of their preferred Love Languages for receiving/feeling loved in one task or act:

Receiving Gifts: Buy them a copy of Earning Your BLACKBELT in Relationship or a gift that you two can watch or do together (Bonus points for hitting Quality Time needs along with Receiving Gifts, btw!).

Words of Acknowledgement/Affirmation: Buy someone you care about a Valentine’s Day Card and write your own “top 5 reasons I love you” list inside. Then hide it in the fridge, in their car or jacket pocket – somewhere where they’re sure to find it. (Bonus points if they also love receiving gifts and you include a little something that they like along with the card!)

Quality Time: Make a date with your partner and leave all your electronic doohickeys and theirs at home -cell phone, laptop, iPod, etc.- and just go for a long walk somewhere, holding hands, and asking them about their day, etc. Or go ice skating or something interactive like a couples massage workshop. Don’t go to a movie. (Bonus points if Touch is one of their other top Love Languages!)

Acts of Service: Do something for your partner that you know they really need done and don’t have time to do themselves. Get the oil changed in their car before you hide that Valentine’s Day Card in it. Hire a maid to clean their house while you two go ice skating. You get the picture.

Giving/Receiving Touch: Look at the suggestions above and come up with a surprise that incorporates touch into one or two more of your partner’s Love Languages for receiving love!

Good luck with your Love Language home-runs! Let me know how they go for you, too!
~REiD

by Reid Mihalko

Romance makes things better.

It’s true. Even if you hate Hollywood romance films, heart-covered Hallmark cards, chocolate roses, and want to kick Cupid in the shin, no matter how much you hate Valentine’s Day, long walks on beaches, or eye-gazing, it’s hard to argue that the warm fuzzies we get when someone strikes our romance chords are bad.

In fact, that sweet, gooey release of the romantic “feel-goods” is great for your health, both body and mind.

You might be surprised to know, that most of what makes romance feel so darn good is chemical. I’m not talking about the chemistry of a shared bottle of Two-Buck Chuck wine. I’m referring to the release of immune system bolstering, social bond-reinforcing, stress reducing hormones.

These all-natural, body-produced hormonal cocktails are the exact same stuff that puts the “mad” into “madly in love,” and by mad I mean “crazy.” The brain-chemistry of love, by the way, has been extensively researched and continues to be. It’s fascinating stuff. And while you might hate it when your best friend falls head-over-heels for Mr. or Ms. So-and-so causing them to forget all about you, there are many health benefits from all these hormones swirling around in your body and brain. With romance, it’s much of the same chemistry, just in smaller doses. Think of it as Love Potion #9 Lite: Tastes great, less crazy making! And for those of us already in love, or in relationships that have outlasted their honeymoon periods, romance is a great way of delivering an extra (sometimes much needed) shot or two of the warm fuzzies.

Photo Illustration by Ann Cutting for Time Magazine

Romantic interludes and thoughtful acts can trigger the release of feel-good hormones which are outstanding for our physical and mental health. An intimate cuddle on the couch or a shared bit of dark chocolate after a romantic dinner can seduce the body into releasing hormones like oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) and phenylethylamine (released by the brain during orgasm and also found in chocolate). These hormones lower blood pressure, improve immune system performance, and inhibit the release of stress inducing hormones while also psychologically promoting a deeper sense of trust, and feelings of being understood and appreciated. These physiological and psychological effects can be a huge help after a hard day at work trying to meet a deadline, a rough day tending to sick children, dealing with financial difficulties and economic pressures, etc., etc. Romance can leave us feeling less alone in the world, more relaxed and calm, and feeling better about ourselves. In short, a little romance can go a looooong way towards getting us through a cold winter. (Or any season for that matter!)

The trouble with tradition…

Unfortunately, for many of us, the cultural stereotypes for what is romantic and acceptable aren’t always clear nor do they always work. It seems, that even when it comes to romance, everyone is unique and what worked on your ex doesn’t always leave your current partner feeling loved and cherished. Then there’s the fact that Hollywood seems pretty stuck on romance being a guy/girl thang that has the chocolate-covered strawberries rolling in only one direction: man to woman.

What about romancing the dude? And what if you’re allergic to strawberries?

The fact that America’s romantic traditions and symbols are so very gendered and unidirectional can be a big pain in the ass. If the traditional go-tos like roses and a card don’t get you all gushy, your partner might soon run out of other ideas and give up. Worse, you or they could be thinking you’re doing “romantic” things with the most earnest of intentions, doing a great job, but continually missing the mark and leaving those you care about starving. And attempting to sweet-talk the non-traditional gender seems so laughable by our cultural standards that  women romancing men and men romancing men are the things of sit coms and Comedy Central sketches about prison.  Bubba, you made me a shiv? How romantic… While occasionally funny and usually at least a tad insensitive, the cultural message is bleak: Do not waste your time romancing men ’cause it doesn’t work.

These traditions are just a partial list, hints and clues, really. And romance, like Angelina Jolie, goes both ways.

A diamond ring is not inherently romantic, and even the most stoic of men can have a soft-spot. And while we can argue that dark chocolate might be romantic on account of the phenylethylamine, or that Dick Cheney would never be caught dead taking a long walk on the beach, the point is that almost anything can be made to be romantic and anyone can be romanced, if you know how romance occurs for the other person.

And, for the record, men are actually quite easy to romance!

Romance is actually all about cats and dogs.

In my Romance for the Rest of Us workshop, and in my personal couples and one-on-one coaching, I get the great honor of making the fine art of romance easy!

Making romance easy, surprisingly enough, has very little to do with being a man or a woman, or being single or married or straight or gay or queer or trans, for that matter. Romance, as you’re about to discover, isn’t even about chocolate or pearl necklaces or roses or cupids shooting arrows at us.

Romance, believe it or not, is all about cats and dogs. Not whether or not you own a cat or a dog, but where on the spectrum of catness-to-dogness you fall when it comes to how romance occurs to you. Romance, I posit is an orientation! Thinking of romance like it’s a Kinsey Scale of what makes us feel loved and appreciated, if you will, is the key to understanding how to make romance easy.

Romantically speaking, “cat oriented” people tend to feel warm and fuzzy when they have proof someone is thinking of them. “Dog oriented” people tend to feel gushy and sweet when they get told, “good dog!” Forethought and acknowledgment: cats and dogs. End of lesson 1.

Compared to Hollywood’s version of romance, forethought and acknowledgment seem very different from the glittery Edward in Twilight expressing his emo-vampire love for Bella by refusing to suck her veins dry. Anything emotionally torturous and/or fits of self-denial labeled as romance should be avoided at all costs because that kind of “romantic” is usually followed by the word “tragedy.”

Anything emotionally torturous and/or fits of self-denial labeled as romance should be avoided at all costs because that kind of “romantic” is usually followed by the word “tragedy.”

My approach to romance is waaaaay more fun. It might take a second to get the hang of it, but that’s only because you’re probably fighting years of bad romance habits. Making someone feel romanced is actually quite simple and its applicable to most people, though I’m not entirely sure how it works on pubescent werewolves… My guess? Romance werewolves like you would dogs and not cats. (Does that put vampires on the cat-side of the spectrum? Hmmmm…)

Romance for “cats” is anything that you can do which proves you were thinking about that person before they walked in the door. Its forethought at is most simple, and has a great chance of occurring to these cat people as being romantic. Knowing and having proof that you were thinking of them when they weren’t standing right in front of you gives them the warm fuzzies.

What is romantic for “dogs” is having their likes and dislikes validated. Being told “bad dog,” or being scolded or made to feel like the things they like are wrong or silly isn’t very romantic for a dog. Appreciation and acknowledgment are what makes a romantically oriented dog person rollover and want their belly scratched.

And who doesn’t like a good case of the warm fuzzies and a belly scratch now and then?

Once you’ve got the basic concept down, it helps to remember that the catness-to-dogness system is a continuum. You can be more cat or more dog, entirely all cat or all dog, or 50/50 cat/dog when it comes to what makes you feel romanced. There’s no right way or wrong way. And one orientation or degree of preference isn’t any better than the other. It’s just a helpful approach to figuring out what makes your loved ones feel loved.

And for you binary-hater types who want to nail me to the box of chocolates for only talking about cats and dogs, I’m sure there are more than a few people out there for whom romance occurs on a vastly different continuum. To all my brother and sister otters and parrots and Pandas and unicorns, et al: I’m not trying to exclude you. I’m just trying to keep it simple for the folks at home!

Back to cats and dogs and how we make this knowledge work to our advantage…

Make the dinner reservations now.

We’ve got a date. You picked a restaurant and called ahead and made the reservation without me having to tell you or remind you. That equals in my cat-mind: “You must have been thinking of me.” You just scored yourself some major romance points.

To cover my bases, just in case it’s a dog oriented person I’m dating, I’m going to… Acknowledge you for kicking-ass in making those dinner reservations!

Whether I have a need to acknowledge you or not, it’s still an excellent thing for me to tell you how much I appreciate your thoughtfulness and how awesome a job you’re doing in our relationship (Good dog!). For the dogs in your life, you just made them super-duper happy. Woof!

To review: what occurs as romantic to a dog is acknowledgment and validation. Anything that says, “I approve of you, your likes and life. I validate that you’re a good person. Good dog!” What occurs as romantic to a cat is anything that proves you were thinking of them before they walked into the room.

To review: what occurs as romantic to a dog is acknowledgment and validation…. What occurs as romantic to a cat is anything that proves you were thinking of them before they walked into the room.

Just so you know, I’m a total dog, and I actually teach people in my life to say to me, “Reid, I approve of you, your likes and life. I validate that you’re a good person. Good dog, Reid!” Really. No lie. And, as silly as it sounds, it makes me feel friggin’ great even when I know they’re just saying it to me because I asked. Why does it work? Because I’m such a dog!

For those of you who are dogs in relationships with dogs or cats in relationships with cats, or variations of each, the same rules apply and nearly always work. Try ‘em!

Ways you can remind yourself to be more romantic…

Because this is not necessarily how we were taught to behave when it comes to romance, here are a few tips you can use towards implementing and integrating this knowledge.

For you cats reading this: Use your computer calendar to send yourself reminders like, “Tell them what a good dog they are today.” You get to let them know that you’re thinking about them -something that occurs to you naturally- and we dogs get the scratch behind the ear that we need so badly.

So, for us dogs, for those of us who when it comes to roses and chocolate, tend to “romance in the now” and not be thinking from forethought, what we can do is rather simple…

Write “Book those dinner reservations NOW!” on a post it and stick it to your fridge, computer screen or forehead. When ever you schedule a date, immediately pick a restaurant, call ‘em up, and reserve the table. Eating in tonight? Pick a menu and order the food before your sweetie walks through the door.

Cats people do the “make the reservations immediately” kind of thing almost naturally. If they don’t do it right then, they’ll remember to do it later ’cause… Well, because cats tend to think a lot about details and stuff. If you’re a dog like I’m a dog, I think a lot in the moment about whatever it is I’m focusing on, but should a squirrel or some other distracting thought scurry by -Whosh!- I’m off chasing what’s next, often forgetting to come back to take care of the dinner reservation bit. Hence my need for reminder post-its and the advantage of making those reservations immediately! Dogs -if you make this a habit- will have scored big romance points which you get to cash in for acknowledgments and belly scratches.

Booking reservations asap has done wonders for my love life.

I’m very much a dog and it definitely doesn’t occur to me naturally to make dinner reservations. What does occur to me, though, are all the details and thoughts about what need to happen before our date… Most of these kinds of detailed thoughts occur in one blast, usually right after I make the date with my sweetie, I used to put into the “can wait till later” category. I mean, the restaurant isn’t going anywhere, right, and I’ve got other things to do. However, all that got me was grief because I would always defer to my partner on where they wanted to eat, which, since I tend to date cats, wasn’t very romantic.

What I’ve trained myself to do, instead, is to not wait when stuff does occur to me in the moment. I make a date and I make a list of to dos that occur to me right then and there, and then I check off as many of those to do boxes as I can, as soon as I can. Why? Because that basically equals forethought to a cat!

It’s genius, I tell you.

If I ask you out on a date and you say yes and I immediately book a dinner reservation, order flowers (or that power drill you’ve been talking about!), and put a reminder on my calendar for it to email me the three other things I need to handle two days before our date… Well, what occurs to me as being proactive and clever (I can get a way better table at the restaurant booking the reservation ahead of time instead of waiting till the last minute) stands a great chance of reinforcing for my date that I’m a romantic pure breed!

My partner, especially when they’re feeling all warm and fuzzy because I totally struck their romance chord, knows to acknowledge me and tell me what a good dog. That makes me feel warm and appreciated, and we’re both flooded with romantic feelings and notions…

Even though the way romance occurs to us may be completely difference, we’ve managed to get those hormones flooding our systems. Now we’re feeling closer and more connected than ever, and, suddenly, everybody wins.

Romance does make things better after all!

So, to sum up my advice:

1. Figure out if you’re a cat or a dog when it comes to romance.
2. Figure out if what your partner’s orientation to romance is.
3. When in doubt: Always make the reservation in advance AND tell them what a wonderful job they’re doing in your world.

Happy romancing!

Your neighborhood sex and relationship cupid,
REiD

© 2010 Reid Mihalko, all rights reserved

Three days with hundreds of poly men and women, the poly-curious, and some of America’s top relationship educators!

Join world renowned sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko along with polyamorists (and the people who love ‘em!) from all over the country for the fifth annual Poly Living conference, in honor of Poly Living’s Creator George Marvil.

Spend three days with over a hundred open, intelligent and fun loving people as they descend on the Fort Washington Hotel out side of Philadelphia for workshops, social bonding, and more!

Poly Living is a place to learn relationship skills that support healthy polyamorous relationships. Poly-curious, monogamous and in a relationship with someone who’s poly, or monogamous but looking to upgrade your relationship skills? No problem! Poly Living’s workshops cover skills sets that can make whatever relationship-style your practicing stronger. As keynote speaker Reid Mihalko likes to say, “If I can have three relationships running smoothly, I might be able to help you have one!”

Poly Living’s workshops range from basic to advanced and from intellectual to experiential, covering topics both fun and serious.

18 Amazing workshops • Friday night Keynote and Reception • Saturday Luncheon • Saturday Night Social Time

This year’s keynote address topic by Reid Mihalko?

What happens when Poly becomes mainstream?

For the activists among us, progress for the poly movement has never been fast enough. For those who’ve been “poly for years,” shows like Big Love and the occasional Oprah episode on open marriages -whether “poly” is used or not- reassure us that things are shifting. For the newly poly, posting “In an open relationship” on our Facebook profile reminds us that we are no longer the only stranger in a strange land. And for the monogamous person choosing into a poly relationship, today, more than ever, there are books, workshops and DVDs to help you get your black belt in relationships and increase your odds of survival… No matter where you are on the poly spectrum of experience, what we all have in common is that polyamory is not yet mainstream… Has anyone thought about what happens when it does?

Join Reid Mihalko as he talks about his journey in polyamory, his experiences bringing poly to Hollywood and the reality television show business, and what Reid thinks is going to happen to us poly folk when polyamory becomes a household word.

Are you a Polyamory Educator, Community Leader, Sex Educator, Blogger or something like that? Why not attend the 3rd Annual National Polyamory Leadership Summit happening right after Poly Living!

Don’t know what to get your sweetie this Valentine’s? How about a 3-Way?

DATE: Wednesday, February 3rd,
TIME: 8-10 p.m.
WHERE: LA’s historic Pleasure Chest
7733 Santa Monica Blvd.
West Hollywood, CA 90046
323.650.1022
Cost: FREE!

It’s a popular fantasy with twice the pleasure potential, but navigating a three-way romance (if only for one night) can be tricky.

Join world renowned sex and relationship educator Reid Mihalko for this FREE, fun-filled, two-hour workshop (with live demonstrations!)…

Not only will you get a chance to ask questions, but we’ll cover:

• What are the best techniques to satisfy two lovers at once?
  Ways to overcome fears and concerns – Yours AND your partner’s!
  The most common threesome mistakes (and how to avoid them!)
  How to negotiate boundaries and safer sex protocols to make your next menage a trios tré bien!

Whether you’ve had more threesomes than Jim Morrison or are just beginning to consider three-in-a-bed might be something you’d like to explore, this workshop will give you plenty of tools, tricks, perspectives and laughs to enhance your love life and strengthen your relationships!

Even if you would NEVER be interested in a 3-way, this fun-filled class will give you lots of ways to talk to your loved ones about the things you DO WANT in the bedroom – no matter how tame or outrageous!

Bring your loved ones, bring your friends, and enjoy an educational and entertaining evening on how to successfully navigate one of the most common sexual fantasies: the threesome!

For more information, call Pleasure Chest at 323.650.1022.

ABOUT REID: Reid Mihalko of www.ReidAboutSex.com helps people create more self-esteem and greater health in their relationship and sex lives, no matter what their self-expression of those happen to be.

Reid has worked with thousands of individuals from myriad walks of life, orientations, relationship styles, countries and religions. Known for his charisma, wit and emphasis on integrity, Reid travels the country teaching, coaching, consulting and collaborating. He has been a writer and producer on a number of films and television projects about sex and relationships, and appears regularly in the media.

Reid has been a featured speaker at dozens of conferences on relationships and sexuality. He has also appeared on the Emmy award-winning talk show Montel, Fox News, VH1’s Scott Baio is 45 and Single, Showtime’s Penn & Teller’s Bulls**t!, Canada’s The Sex Files and SexTV, and the short-lived Life & Style, on NPR, Sirius’ Maxim Radio and Cosmo Radio, and in Marie Claire, GQ, Details, People, Newsweek and The National Enquirer, as well as media across the globe in thirteen countries and at least seven languages.

Get the ten relationship lessons hidden within the acronym B.L.A.C.K.B.E.L.T.S. delivered to your front door!

Never before has upgrading your relationship skills and improving your intimacy mojo been this fun and enlightening!

Learn the secret techniques that make Reid Mihalko and Kamala Devi “relationship ninjas” for just $19.95 plus s/h!

That’s right, just under twenty-bucks gets you a DVD full of humor and deep learning!

Whether you are a white belt in love or a bedroom ninja with amazing, heartfelt skills, this educational, humorous, sometimes irreverent (but always insightful) DVD from relationship masters Reid and Kamala is for you! Who doesn’t want to learn how to struggle less in your relationships, love more deeply, and have fun while doing it? Order your copy today!

Reviews of the DVD…

A 5.0 out of 5 stars, Amazon review of Earning Your BLACKBELT in Relationships:
An authentic, funny and practical examination of a healthy alternative to monogamy…
December 16, 2009
By Joyful Body Mind Spirit (San Diego, CA)

I’m a self-help junkie and that extends to podcasts and DVDs. I want to be the best person I can be. Lately I’ve been learning a lot about relationships and how to make them work, as well as my role in said relationships. This DVD offers a fresh, honest and out-of-the ordinary look at how to master romantic partnerships.

But wait, this isn’t just your regular feel-good collection of mumbo-jumbo marriage therapy diced and sliced into bites of information. Rather, this DVD explores real-world issues in a way you’ve probably never considered. Or if you have, you might have felt bad about it or thought you were alone. While Earning Your Black Belt in Relationships focuses mainly on how to make polyamorous–or “open”–relationships work, the ideas presented are excellent tools for any relationship. Even single people can take the ideas and apply them to their lives. The best viewer for this DVD isn’t someone who’s solely interested or labeled as polyamorous, but rather someone who is tired of making the same mistakes and wants to delve into different ways of thinking and being that actually work.

Sex and relationship coaches Kamala Devi and Reid Mihalko share tools and tricks to successfully sustaining multiple open relationships. That’s right, more than one. And guess what? If you can’t get one right, it’s not likely you’ll be able to get more than one right. So start small and blossom as your communication and awareness skills grow.

There are 10 chapters in this DVD, and the “lessons” spell out BLACKBELTS, which also echoes a fun ninja theme (it’s subtle, but clever). Mihalko and Devi explore the lessons in detail after you watch intriguing, real-life footage about the topic from people who live it. And no, not everyone is labeled as strictly polyamorous. One person is single and “poly-curious.” Another is monogamous but open-minded. Each topic ends with an exercise or “mission” to help anchor the ideas presented. Here’s a peek into the chapters:

1. Be Real: learn to be transparent – This chapter stresses how important it is to know who you are and what you really need. This is easier said than done, as many people live in a fog much of their lives. So before you do anything, get in touch with your authentic self.

2. Labels and Lovestyles: define your own terms – Figure out what works for you in relationship. Be specific and know that there are many different “fits” or “configurations.” You may even choose to not label yourself, but know that you still need to be able to communicate your needs, and words might be necessary.

3. Agreements and Boundaries: authentic negotiations – This chapter explores the importance of setting clear agreements and boundaries. Communication and transparency are the keywords here. When you know what works for you and you ask for what you need to feel safe, you create more freedom. These can evolve over time. The “mission” here is to determine what your bottom line is.

4. Clear Communication: express yourself fully – Without clear communication, you are not going to make it. If you like to withhold information or if you are unable to listen to and hear your partner, you have work to do. Develop your ability to speak your truth and hear your partner. Say what’s not being said.

5. Know your needs: and how to get them met – This chapter talks about “needs work,” which is pretty deep emotional work. You are in charge of your own needs. Be aware of what your needs are and meet them in a healthy way–needs aren’t bad. Use the communication skills you learned in previous chapters.

6. Break-ups and Transitions: let go with grace – Change is inevitable and break-ups aren’t necessarily bad. Longevity is a “horrible metric with which to measure the quality of a relationship.” Relationships are organic and seasonal. Be realistic about what’s healthy.

7. Emotions are Welcome: honor your feelings – Believe it or not, it is all right to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Be willing to express yourself and be willing to hold space for your partnerships. Emotions are meant to be felt. You can raise your emotional intelligence and apply it to your relationships.

8. Learning Curve: give yourself room to grow – This chapter normalizes the time it takes to get things “right.” Be gentle with yourself and see relationships as growth opportunities. Don’t try to be perfect. Expect breakdowns and work with them. Welcome the learning curve, learn and apply the lessons.

9. Takes a Tribe: creating alternative community – Surround yourself with support, community or tribe. Don’t isolate yourself. This can be online, a potluck, church, whatever works for you.

10. Sex and Spirituality: honoring your lovers and self – Approach your relationships with a sacredness and respect, regardless of whether or not it’s “mystical.” Elevate it to a higher co-creation. Be free from guilt, shame and fear.

Devi and Mihalko are real and engaging, and their down-to-earth rapport is charming. While the camera work is a little shaky at times, the content is so strong and the advice so compelling, it’s easy to forgive. Get ready to open your mind and your heart with this entertaining, educational and endearing DVD.

Order now! Just $19.95 plus s/h!