Love is in the air…
This month’s article:
Romance is for the Cats and Dogs
by Reid Mihalko
Romance makes things better.
It’s true. Even if you hate Hollywood romance films, heart-covered Hallmark cards, chocolate roses, and want to kick Cupid in the shin, no matter how much you hate Valentine’s Day, long walks on beaches, or eye-gazing, it’s hard to argue that the warm fuzzies we get when someone strikes our romance chords are bad.
In fact, that sweet, gooey release of the romantic “feel-goods” is great for your health, both body and mind.
You might be surprised to know, that most of what makes romance feel so darn good is chemical. I’m not talking about the chemistry of a shared bottle of Two-Buck Chuck wine. I’m referring to the release of immune system bolstering, social bond-reinforcing, stress reducing hormones.
These all-natural, body-produced hormonal cocktails are the exact same stuff that puts the “mad” into “madly in love,” and by mad I mean “crazy.” The brain-chemistry of love, by the way, has been extensively researched and continues to be. It’s fascinating stuff. And while you might hate it when your best friend falls head-over-heels for Mr. or Ms. So-and-so causing them to forget all about you, there are many health benefits from all these hormones swirling around in your body and brain. With romance, it’s much of the same chemistry, just in smaller doses. Think of it as Love Potion #9 Lite: Tastes great, less crazy making! And for those of us already in love, or in relationships that have outlasted their honeymoon periods, romance is a great way of delivering an extra (sometimes much needed) shot or two of the warm fuzzies.
- Photo Illustration by Ann Cutting for Time Magazine
Romantic interludes and thoughtful acts can trigger the release of feel-good hormones which are outstanding for our physical and mental health. An intimate cuddle on the couch or a shared bit of dark chocolate after a romantic dinner can seduce the body into releasing hormones like oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) and phenylethylamine (released by the brain during orgasm and also found in chocolate). These hormones lower blood pressure, improve immune system performance, and inhibit the release of stress inducing hormones while also psychologically promoting a deeper sense of trust, and feelings of being understood and appreciated. These physiological and psychological effects can be a huge help after a hard day at work trying to meet a deadline, a rough day tending to sick children, dealing with financial difficulties and economic pressures, etc., etc. Romance can leave us feeling less alone in the world, more relaxed and calm, and feeling better about ourselves. In short, a little romance can go a looooong way towards getting us through a cold winter. (Or any season for that matter!)
The trouble with tradition…
Unfortunately, for many of us, the cultural stereotypes for what is romantic and acceptable aren’t always clear nor do they always work. It seems, that even when it comes to romance, everyone is unique and what worked on your ex doesn’t always leave your current partner feeling loved and cherished. Then there’s the fact that Hollywood seems pretty stuck on romance being a guy/girl thang that has the chocolate-covered strawberries rolling in only one direction: man to woman.
What about romancing the dude? And what if you’re allergic to strawberries?
The fact that America’s romantic traditions and symbols are so very gendered and unidirectional can be a big pain in the ass. If the traditional go-tos like roses and a card don’t get you all gushy, your partner might soon run out of other ideas and give up. Worse, you or they could be thinking you’re doing “romantic” things with the most earnest of intentions, doing a great job, but continually missing the mark and leaving those you care about starving. And attempting to sweet-talk the non-traditional gender seems so laughable by our cultural standards that women romancing men and men romancing men are the things of sit coms and Comedy Central sketches about prison. Bubba, you made me a shiv? How romantic… While occasionally funny and usually at least a tad insensitive, the cultural message is bleak: Do not waste your time romancing men ’cause it doesn’t work.
These traditions are just a partial list, hints and clues, really. And romance, like Angelina Jolie, goes both ways.
A diamond ring is not inherently romantic, and even the most stoic of men can have a soft-spot. And while we can argue that dark chocolate might be romantic on account of the phenylethylamine, or that Dick Cheney would never be caught dead taking a long walk on the beach, the point is that almost anything can be made to be romantic and anyone can be romanced, if you know how romance occurs for the other person.
And, for the record, men are actually quite easy to romance!
Romance is actually all about cats and dogs.
In my Romance for the Rest of Us workshop, and in my personal couples and one-on-one coaching, I get the great honor of making the fine art of romance easy!
Making romance easy, surprisingly enough, has very little to do with being a man or a woman, or being single or married or straight or gay or queer or trans, for that matter. Romance, as you’re about to discover, isn’t even about chocolate or pearl necklaces or roses or cupids shooting arrows at us.
Romance, believe it or not, is all about cats and dogs…
5 Reasons Why Dogs Think Letting You Pick the Restaurant is Romantic
You’ve got to read the Romance Is For Cats and Dogs article to understand this, btw. Enjoy!
- Dogs want you to pick because we want you to be happy with the food. (We’re not sure what food you’ll be in the mood for come date time, so asking you to pick makes sense.)
- Dogs don’t usually care what we eat. Deferring to you and your tastes in the moment make us happier and more at ease ‘cause we want you to have the food and ambiance you’re actually craving now!
- Dogs tend not to think about things “in advance,” but, rather, are very “now” oriented. When it comes to picking a place in advance versus picking it when comes time to go out on our date, doing it closer to the date makes more sense.
- Dogs are just happy to be spending time with you anywhere. To us, that you’re spending time with us at all is really all we need. That you’re spending time with us at all means that we must be doing something right. If we weren’t, you wouldn’t be with us.
- Dogs crave being told, “good dog,” and we don’t want to pick the wrong restaurant or presume that we can read your mind so deferring to you in the moment seems the best way for us to do a good job meeting your needs.
See where Reid will be next…
Give Cupid a Hug from Me!
For those of you around the world who might be participating or considering attending an upcoming Valentine’s Cuddle Party (I’ve got a Singles Only CP happening in Times Square, NYC, on Feb 13th), I thought I would jump over to the Cuddle Party website at CuddleParty.com and dig through their articles section. I found this piece that I penned waaaaaay back in 2004, which, I am proud to say, still holds up!
Snuggle on!
More Spoon For Your Buck: How to Make the Most of your Cuddle Party Experience
by Reid Mihalko, the Warren Buffett of Snuggling
Okay, you’ve heard or read about Cuddle Parties enough times that you’ve finally checked out the website, said to yourself in your best skeptical voice, “Hmmmm, seems harmless enough… Three hours of massage, spooning, and conversation sounds pretty okay.” Then your boss calls up and yells at you for ten minutes, after which the idea of cuddling a bunch of strangers sounds like heaven. In a moment of hug-fest-crave induced courage, you email your RSVP to the next Cuddle Party, and now you’re thinking, “What the heck do I do now? How do I make the most of all this?”
Well, I’m glad you asked, because here’s the 411 on getting the most spoon for your buck!
Here are our top ten tips on how to get the most out of a Cuddle Party:
10. Even if you’re feeling a tad nervous, participate in the Welcome Circle’s Hug Exercise and the now-world-famous Cow Exercise….
Valentine’s Tricks To Rock Your Partner’s Love Languages
In 1992, a marriage counselor and pastor in North Carolina, Dr. Gary Chapman, wrote a book called The 5 Love Languages. Whatever your views on Christianity, this is one of the most useful books on relationships I’ve yet to read, and I recommend it to anyone and everyone.
In honor of Cupid slinging his arrows in your direction this February, here is a super useful exercise of mine that I invite you to try with the loved ones in your linfe.
Happy St. Valentine’s Day…
- Find out what you and your partner’s Love Languages are – Take the quiz!
- Come up with, plan and execute three things this Valentine’s Day that will be Love Language “home-runs” for the special people in your life. What I mean by “home-run” is that you surprise attempts to hit two or three of their preferred Love Languages for receiving/feeling loved in one task or act:
Receiving Gifts: Buy them a copy of Earning Your BLACKBELT in Relationship or a gift that you two can watch or do together (Bonus points for hitting Quality Time needs along with Receiving Gifts, btw!).
Words of Acknowledgement/Affirmation: Buy someone you care about a Valentine’s Day Card and write your own “top 5 reasons I love you” list inside. Then hide it in the fridge, in their car or jacket pocket – somewhere where they’re sure to find it. (Bonus points if they also love receiving gifts and you include a little something that they like along with the card!)
Quality Time: Make a date with your partner and leave all your electronic doohickeys and theirs at home -cell phone, laptop, iPod, etc.- and just go for a long walk somewhere, holding hands, and asking them about their day, etc. Or go ice skating or something interactive like a couples massage workshop. Don’t go to a movie. (Bonus points if Touch is one of their other top Love Languages!)
Acts of Service: Do something for your partner that you know they really need done and don’t have time to do themselves. Get the oil changed in their car before you hide that Valentine’s Day Card in it. Hire a maid to clean their house while you two go ice skating. You get the picture.
Giving/Receiving Touch: Look at the suggestions above and come up with a surprise that incorporates touch into one or two more of your partner’s Love Languages for receiving love!
Good luck with your Love Language home-runs! Let me know how they go for you, too!
~REiD
